


I Thought it Would Be Better if I Was Just Gone

by seabreezws_and_gays



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Boys In Love, Canon Era, Homophobic Language, I wrote this awhile ago so its not very accurate, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, POV Steve Rogers, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:08:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26346121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seabreezws_and_gays/pseuds/seabreezws_and_gays
Summary: Steve thinks he's messed up, Bucky saves him more or less, self-harm implied and suicides attempt, so please don't read if that could affect you
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	I Thought it Would Be Better if I Was Just Gone

Agh. Bucky won't be home from work for another three or four hours.  
Of course I have to have a shitty body and have to stay at the apartment all the time.   
It's so cold though.   
I curl up on the couch with four layers of blankets before falling asleep.   
I wake up when I feel movement beside me, and I roll over to see Bucky climbing under the blankets.   
"Hi pal."   
Bucky smiles at me. Gosh his smile is beautiful. It makes the corners of his cheeks crinkle and his eyes sparkle. His eyes are beautiful too. Blue, but a little darker than mine. There's pieces of ice in them, and splashes of ocean blue.   
"Stevie?"   
Shit I was just staring into his eyes for way too long.   
"Hey Buck."   
He smells nice. Wood chips, and a little sweat, and a faint smell of cologne that's worn off during the day.   
"How ya feeling pal?"   
"Okay. Going dancing tonight?"  
"Shit it's warm under all these blankets? Are you sure you don't have a fever."   
Bucky places a hand on my forehead, his face wrinkling in concern. He leaves his hand there for maybe a little too long, and we end up looking into each other's eyes. Then he quickly removes his hand.   
"I guess you're okay. I think I'll stay here tonight."   
"No dames tonight huh?" I grin at him, so he doesn't know how my chest hurts when he's with those girls, like I'm going to have an asthma attack.   
"No. Just me and you fella!"   
Bucky snuggles back down under the blankets.  
"I'm going to sleep."   
"Okay. I think I'll go take a shower before we eat."  
This close contact is going to make me do something stupid.   
"All right pal."  
I climb out of the couch cocoon and to the bathroom.   
Once the waters on I think.   
Why am I in love with my best friend? Why am I in love with a man? It's wrong, of course. Well at least nothing will happen since Bucky is normal. And there isn't anyone else for me but him. Shit. He's the only man I could be with but he wouldn't be with me . That hurts like getting punched in the gut by a bully.   
And since I've been thinking of this all day, my mind decides to give my heart the go ahead to cry. Quietly, of course. Maybe I should just stay in the shower forever. Maybe I should just forget to breathe. What is there here for me without Bucky anyway? I guess my sobs started getting louder, but I wasn't paying attention, I was sitting on the floor of the tub.   
Bucky got me. Of course he did. He's always there.   
"Bud! Hey Stevie? Oh shit are you okay, what's the matter pal?"   
"You! You're the matter James Buchanan Barnes!"   
My damp head falls down on his chest and I'm sobbing into Bucky's shirt.   
"Whoa fella, what happened?"  
"You! No it's me. Me. I'm the fucking fairy. The queer. You know, the guy everyone stares at in the street and tells their kids about how 'he's got a disease'. It's me."   
"Stevie."   
"Its okay Bucky. If you want you can kick me out."   
"No Stevie I wouldn't do that."   
"Well don't tell me 'we can fix you'. I've already tried, okay? I've tried to hurt myself, because maybe that would fix it, but it doesn't."   
I'm sobbing again, tears staining my face.   
I try to punch Bucky because this is all because of him and his beautiful face, but my hands don't do anything but crumple onto him. He takes my hands down and carries me to my room. I didn't even notice but I guess he put my boxers on for me.   
"Hey pal. Let's talk okay?"   
Bucky says, in his gentlest voice.   
"Okay."   
I say, in my quietest voice.   
"So you think that I'll hate you because you like boys?"  
"Yes."   
"I won't, okay."   
I snort and frown at him.  
"I won't, I promise. I couldn't hate you Stevie. Because I, well I, never mind."  
"What?" I say, a little confused.   
"Nothing. But you said that you hu-" his voice stops, like what he's saying is going to make him cry.   
"Hurt yourself. Because you thought that...?"  
"That it might make being me go away. But it didn't, so I thought i should punish myself for being me then."  
"Baby."   
Bucky's forehead is creased and his eyes, his beautiful eyes, are sad.   
"When you were sitting down in the shower, when I came and got you, what were you doing? Please tell me Stevie."   
I take a breath.   
"I thought maybe it would be better if I was just gone."  
I say softly.  
Bucky let's out a breath, like a sad breath.   
"Hey Stevie, come here please." Bucky pats his leg.  
I look at him uncertainly. Does he want me to sit on his lap?  
He nods, so I climb into his lap.   
I feel so skinny next to all his muscle. But it feels nice to be there. It feels safe.   
Bucky loops his arms around me, and it only makes sense to rest my head in his shoulder.   
"If you were," Bucky pauses, "if you were gone then I'd miss you. More than you think. I don't think you need to fix yourself. I think you're already perfect."   
I curl closer into him and his arms tighten around me.   
"I think you are wonderful Stevie. And I'm in love with you."   
I sit up quickly, busting through his arms. I stand up and look at him.  
"What?"   
Bucky stands up too.   
"I'm in love with you Steve Rogers."  
"But I'm in love with you."   
Bucky moved in and kissed me.   
His arms wrap around me, lifting my toes off the ground. His lips are soft, and warm. A little chapped but I like it. I don't like it, I love it. I love him.


End file.
